If you are a giver, please learn your limits because takers don't have any.
Exploitative people come in all shapes, ages and sizes. Mine were my parents, who, because they were energy vampires, pushed the boundaries far back of their kids to make us totally malleable to their will. Very far back, all the way to completely dysfunctional. Then my mother would call me a sucker. Part of that was because I was gentle and loving, and she had taken on this (false) macho attitude of being tough, which frankly she sucked at, everyone could see through it. The other reason was because her admonishing me for anything was the equivalent of her celebrating with delight that she had actually managed to pull off what she was trying to do with us kids - make victims out of us. She would then spend many years switching between perpetrator and rescuer, saving me from whatever financial crisis I had created through being a victim (yes, you can be a money victim, many people are. The system is set up to facilitate this happening to you. And debt is a big part of that!) But what I really needed was to experience the consequences of what I had created and to get myself out of them, and as I was saying in my other post, rescuers never allow you to experience the pain of what you've done incorrectly, sometimes for the reason that they don't want to see you suffer, and other times for the reason that this is one more chance to laud their supposed superiority over you. Take note that they are NOT superior to you - you are simply engaged in an imbalanced relationship. And my mother never ceased to tell me how much better she was at everything than I was, yet all the meanwhile remaining secretly (again, another thing she was poor at) jealous of me. So I had much firsthand experience with exploitative vampires in my parents, and they were joined by other experts later on. I learned from these people how to set boundaries. Instead of learning them as a child, I learned to set boundaries as an adult, but better late than never I say. I knew when something asked for was more than I was willing to provide and I had to learn to respect that voice inside myself that said, "This isn't okay. I don't want to do this." I was very susceptible to violation of all kinds and that included sexual, so a few perverts who got too close along the way helped me to understand that I could set boundaries. One thing I always found about boundary setting is that it's easier to start with someone who's not as "emotionally charged" for you. In other words, a stranger, someone you have no emotional attachment to, like you would a parent or a family member. It's easier to start with the shoemaker who asks if he can kiss you (yes, that happened to me), or telling the pervert stalking you at the outside event to eff off when he stands so close to you that you can sense him in your energy field (or feel his breath on the back of your head if you're not so psychically inclined.) It's easy to start to feel successful at boundary setting when the stakes aren't so high - when what you say won't change your relationship, that what you say won't rattle the fears you have of rocking the boat, when what you say has little consequence for you except getting that feeling of a win, and the joy of feeling more power. Many takers don't have limits. Their limit is everything they can get you for. Some, not so much. But the fact is, that doesn't matter. Why not? Because you're not to focus on others. You need to learn to focus on your feelings and what comes up for YOU, and if your response is, "hmmm.....well, uhhhh...." If you're hesitant in any way, or now, with your new knowledge, you understand this could be a shady area for you, then it's best to wait with a reply or to just say no right then. Of course the taker will continue to try to break down your boundaries and you will have to continue to say no. Like the other day when an acquaintance tried to get me to consider going to his church, I repeated the word "no" adamantly, because I know that I don't want to attend a church. However, when you're just coming out of a state of being used by your parents as I was, or you're just learning to boundary-set, your sense of self isn't that strong because you've been ignoring it, so your ability to set boundaries will most likely be a bit weak in the beginning. You may not be sure how you feel. So that's okay - give yourself time and either tell the asker no straight away or say, "Come back tomorrow. I need to think about it." Of course the asker will say, "What's to think about?" They will then proceed to give you a hard sell on their idea. This is all the more reason to say no because they're not listening to you. Do you want to have another interaction with another person who doesn't listen to you? Haven't you had enough of that already? Boundary violators, energy vampires and exploitative types (perpetrators) don't listen to you - they listen to what they want. They have the opposite problem that you do - you don't listen to yourself because you've been listening to too many of them; they don't listen to anyone but themselves. And this world needs more balance. So listen to yourself.
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I was having trouble with my wifi provider from my old address. I tried to cancel out my subscription and instead of this I was confronted with call center staff who refused to let me leave, and tried to hard sell me on another subscription when in fact I had already signed up with another service provider. I had the modem and wanted to return it to them (although the technology is probably outdated) but anyway.... I didn't get around to discussing that because these sales sharks were trying to browbeat and manipulate me into staying with their company.
So I hung up on them. I stopped using my service the last day of last month but they kept billing me. I know how that goes. They're billing for something they're not delivering and for what I didn't even ask for and tried to quit, and I know these unpaid accounts will be turned over to debt collector agencies at some point in the future. I typed up a letter to this provider and cc'd the CRTC (Canadian Radio and Television Commission) on it. I even said I would be willing to take legal action if necessary to clear my account. I got two emailed replies, one from the Office of the President of this provider and one from the CRTC. The woman then emailed me and asked for my phone number, which I refused to give her. I said this transaction will be completed via email or it won't be completed at all. She gave me her number and asked me to call her and of course she has call display but told me that since I called, my number won't be put on my record (so the sales hawks won't start calling me with deals). She said she would email me information on how to return the modem and cleared my account balance to zero. She said if I ever wanted to deal with their company again, please feel free. I got the treatment I wanted, not having to deal with pesky sales hawks who read the next thing to do from computer screens. The manipulation and hard selling of these telemarketers really annoys me. I got some good old fashioned first class service - because I insisted upon it!! That's how to stop being a victim! Don't settle for less. Boundaries are indicative of who we are. They are very personal.
The problem with the victim’s boundaries is they are set where SOMEONE else wants them to be, not where YOU want them to be. Consequently, you suffer from a poor sense of self and spend your time seeking the validation of others because others were the ones who defined you in the first place. As a child, your first experience of life was your parents and as an adult your experience of life is still your parents but everyone else as well. So as an adult, you have more people showing you where you need to set boundaries and when your boundaries are weak, there are many volunteers to help in this process, I’ve found. If you’ve had abusive parents, like I did, you have boundaries and a sense of self that is defined by other people and works for other people like your abusers – not for you. Redefining your boundaries is about understanding who you are, what you like and what you don’t like. This may sound like a daunting process, but think of it as one that is cut up into 24 hour periods called days. Each day you get to work on your boundaries. Whatever comes in front of you from day to day is your opportunity to redefine your boundaries and to understand who you really are. Of course, that’s another process. There is defining who you are in relation to society and others, and then there is going deeper and understanding who you are in relation to only yourself. That’s the process I’m on now. Not everyone will choose to do that in a lifetime. I have. Other people will try to change your boundaries. Those abusive others who enjoyed being able to take advantage of you will fight and argue with you to “prove” to you that your boundaries are better off where they were, not where you want them to be. They are interfering in your process of self-determination and ultimate happiness. I haven’t had too many who have taught me to have better boundaries who are still in my life now. The people in my life now reflect my better, more loving boundaries. They don’t argue and fight with me when I set a limit. I have enough friends with good boundaries that I don’t need to tolerate anything less, and I don’t. |
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AuthorAuthor Sharon Stewart, former Victim, author of "Stop Being a Victim!" Find your inner happiness now! ArchivesCategories
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