Boundaries are indicative of who we are. They are very personal.
The problem with the victim’s boundaries is they are set where SOMEONE else wants them to be, not where YOU want them to be. Consequently, you suffer from a poor sense of self and spend your time seeking the validation of others because others were the ones who defined you in the first place. As a child, your first experience of life was your parents and as an adult your experience of life is still your parents but everyone else as well. So as an adult, you have more people showing you where you need to set boundaries and when your boundaries are weak, there are many volunteers to help in this process, I’ve found. If you’ve had abusive parents, like I did, you have boundaries and a sense of self that is defined by other people and works for other people like your abusers – not for you. Redefining your boundaries is about understanding who you are, what you like and what you don’t like. This may sound like a daunting process, but think of it as one that is cut up into 24 hour periods called days. Each day you get to work on your boundaries. Whatever comes in front of you from day to day is your opportunity to redefine your boundaries and to understand who you really are. Of course, that’s another process. There is defining who you are in relation to society and others, and then there is going deeper and understanding who you are in relation to only yourself. That’s the process I’m on now. Not everyone will choose to do that in a lifetime. I have. Other people will try to change your boundaries. Those abusive others who enjoyed being able to take advantage of you will fight and argue with you to “prove” to you that your boundaries are better off where they were, not where you want them to be. They are interfering in your process of self-determination and ultimate happiness. I haven’t had too many who have taught me to have better boundaries who are still in my life now. The people in my life now reflect my better, more loving boundaries. They don’t argue and fight with me when I set a limit. I have enough friends with good boundaries that I don’t need to tolerate anything less, and I don’t.
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AuthorAuthor Sharon Stewart, former Victim, author of "Stop Being a Victim!" Find your inner happiness now! ArchivesCategories
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